smh idk. online life makes me more or less depressed and upset. i'm so much happier offline? i'm not sure what it is, i'm definitely happier away from tumblr as well as hiding from my public twitter for a private one.
i think i've hit that stage in my life where i realized everybody i care about has already taken off in their own directions and i'm left behind. thing is, i'm older than everybody else. so on top of having very few people to rely on anymore, i'm very far behind in life from my peers. it's depressing.
honestly, the thought of deleting everything and finding a new site to wander brings me great joy. the moment i find a good site, i think i'm going to for sure delete my public/art blogs and maaaaaybe keep my fandom blog. since that's a separate account and it's mostly just fanart i see.
as for twitter, i only don't want to delete it because it has a lot of pictures since 2011. and no real way to save all those pics. 8( so i guess i'll just hang out on my private twitter till i feel strong enough to chill with people again.
idk man. being online is making me angry and antisocial. maybe i'm just frustrated at how stunted my growth is socially and artistically. especially with amazingly talented people around me that seem to just charm the pants off people and have people just come up to them. i have neither skill. i don't live a very fulfilled life. i'm not a very good person. i guess this is karma for something i've done in the past. a punishment that's not one that gets empathy, one that people can say "'well just talk to people and practice more!""; one that can put the blame on me and me alone. what a punishment. what did i do in a past life lol!
oh well. i only got one life. it'd be easier to get hit by a car and die, but that's asking too much for a simple way out. and if i've learned anything about myself, it's that i'm not very good at taking the simple way out. i make everything overly complicated. and somehow, the thought of not being able to bring joy to people's lives but maybe misery, annoyance, frustration? somehow, that makes me feel a little better?
if i can't do one, i might as well be myself and do the other. not a whole bunch i can do, lmfao. my very existence seems to be brushed off so what does it truly matter what i do? i hide easily in the crowds and when i think of it that way, i do get a smug little grin on my face. what can i do with such a power? oh well. the most i'm going to do is struggle to find my voice and my smile. ones that i can be proud of; not ones that prove i'm existing.
but that's enough of that hehe!! i haven't gotten so personal on this blog in such a long, long time. again, only a couple of people actually read this, and it's basically people i don't mind knowing these clouded feelings. so i guess i really don't care talking about these things on such a public blog; when it comes to me, my feelings and my thoughts. well, no matter how public they're broadcasted, they remain pretty private. which is kinda neat-
also hell ya age differences
uHM YA ANYWAYS. U vU anybody who DOES read my rant, don't worry about me. i feel better after letting off some steam. but for reals tho. if you know another site to wander that'll replace tumblr that replaced deviantart that replaced gaia online in my heart lols, that'd be grand smh.
oK YA G'NIGHT
I am sorry I don't post on here as much.
ReplyDeleteI'm just a shy loser ok. cries 5ever.
Uhm. There's an avatar site that I'm on. I dunno if you're looking for an avatar site type of thing. > > ;;
It's called Syndroneonline.
If you wanna check it out.
If not, das cool too.
Hope you feel better tho. ; v; ///
Aww Roi, I know them feels. ; u; I feel like a lot of people I used to know have wandered off into their own realm and disappeared off the face of the planet.
ReplyDeleteI'M STILL HERE I'M JUST REALLY BAD AT KEEPING IN TOUCH UNLESS PEOPLE SKYPE ME or unless you're on Chloria /sobs -- It's Yume by the way! ' v' I miss talking to you~