ANYWAYS, TO ART, my own art made me sad wtf it was just doodles but ya. Mostly started as things between my own OCs? Aubrey and Manny, or just Aubrey by herself? Kinda things that unless I drew or mentioned, you wouldn't really know?
OR I SHOULDN'T SAY THAT- BC SHE'S A P OBVIOUS GIRL, but still. Tryna capture some parts that really stick out to me? Things that really crushed her, or were really life-changing and life-shaping to her.
I think she has a lot of problems- maybe even a complex- about feeling like a selfish person? I think she's almost conditioned herself (... been conditioned?) to not put others before her- but to put her own desires far down. Basic human desires, ones that weigh down on her.
She can't live with a heavy heart, she doesn't like not understanding things. Wanting to understand Zack and even maybe find some inkling of forgiveness to patch her wounded heart had to pushed aside, lest she upset Daichi (and Manny).
She tried to push down fragile romantic feelings- not wanting to become "overly" clinging, needy, naggy. Telling herself that it's nonsense and selfish that she secretly wished he'd rather choose her over chores, hobbies, or his paranoid delusions- that wanting to be treated like how other husbands treated their wives was her driving their relationship into the dirt.
She hated that she felt these intense desires because she knew what she was getting into with him, that there would be hills and mountains- she just didn't realize how high up she'd have to climb and if he'd ever climb a mountain for her. Knowing that the ones he did climb for her were huge mountains to him, but not even the bare minimum to everybody else- but still wanting more and hating herself for expecting and wanting more. It gutted her, because she knew he loved her and that what he did for her was special, that nobody else would ever get this treatment. So what right does she have to complain that sometimes she wanted to be held? To hear how much he loved her? Small gifts and surprises for no reason? Little reminders that she was always on his mind? He was even up front with her, that the things he did were a result of the apocalypse. Getting into that relationship meant accepting that, so she did. In her mind as they grew as a couple, it meant throwing out her right to speak up in her own relationship. It meant she knew that she was going to be loved, but it wouldn't show through normal actions. She already got special treatment, what more could she possibly demand from him? How selfish could she honestly be? And it killed her, that she felt like she was just... wanting too much of his time... his attention... his love... that he wasn't going to be able to offer. Even tho she rarely got to ever spend actual, romantic time with him... and despite that... the times they did spend together lovingly, were probably some of her happiest, most brightest moments. And she cherished them, til the day she died.
Naturally getting along with other boys- especially ones closer to her age- and getting yelled at by somebody whose not even her husband?
When I think about it, it does make me sad... when Ryan died, I think she still called Manny "Papa," but once he started projecting his frustrations from Lucy onto her, that habit slowly stopped. I think the first time she ever called him "Manny" was when she apologized for... honestly, for being Rikuto and Zack's friend. That's... really it. She just got along too well with them- and he saw it as a doorway for cheating, something that happened to him.
AND WHEN I REALLY THINK ABOUT IT- oh ok thanks italics lol- I can envision that whole scene where she apologizes so well? She probably has her back against the wall because he cornered her and his voice slowly getting more and more aggressive. And all she can do is cower and lower her head into her shoulders, look at the ground, bite her lip and just, "I'm sorry, Manny..."
I MEAN, I know he felt bad afterwards- I know he realized how much he fucked up. Because I imagine his entire demeanor changes when he hears "Manny" because that signifies the end of that loving protective father/daughter relationship. That he realizes the person he was trying so hard to protect from danger for so long, is the one he ended up hurting for no reason other than he needed a punching bag in that moment.
And coupled with the fact she doesn't want to be a selfish person and ignore those normal, honest and justified human emotions, she just says "it's ok." Which probably infuriates people even more because she's not fighting it or standing up for herself. But when she does, she ends up hurting herself anyways because the people she stands up to retaliate. They get upset. It's just easier to keep the people around her happy and swallow her pride and grin and bear it.
But ya... I think she DOES naturally get along really well with boys, which is generally a recipe for disaster in girls... because people think lowly of you? I do wonder if Manny even thought she was basically even a slut for it? I mean, her relationship with Zack was only a week long, but even then... Manny is being really selfish.
He's using his own relationship as a comparison. Manny, who was married, with 2 kids for years and found out his wife was cheating (by means of a BABY coming out with the wrong colors) is no match to Aubrey, who dated Zack for a week after doing nothing more scandalous than maybe a kiss. On top of that, that relationship was quite a while ago.
Even so, Manny can't be friends with his ex, so clearly, Aubrey can't either. If she is, isn't it clear there's something more going on that they don't see? Maybe in his pained rage, that's how he sees it. That Aubrey, whose married now to Daichi and with 2 kids of her own, could potentially be a cheater.
And then that phone, I think that phone really broke her. I honestly think she lost it in the fire, when Manny picked her up and left Daichi. It was literally her last lifeline to cherished, distant happiness. There were pictures of Ryan, Elise, Daichi, Juniper... all these good, valuable memories that meant the world to her... all gone...
She really, truly felt so alone. But, she can't complain. She knew if she spoke up how she missed Daichi, that somebody would retort he didn't treat her well anyways- and what could she really say against that? She has to admit, she always desired more from him. That all he did was put strain on others for being so stubborn and selfish himself- yet if she did the same, she was reprimanded. Even still tho, she really did love him.
I really can't express how much she wanted to get to know him- it wasn't just a crush. It was literally something about Daichi in specific that caught her attention, like there was something special about him to her that she could appreciate. And she did. She really, truly, loved him. Despite the pain he sometimes put her through, despite how desperately she desired more from him, despite how much he pushed her aside once things got really bad in the camp... she really, really loved him.
And more than anything, she just wants him to be happy. She truly believes in her heart he was her happiness, but she wasn't meant to be his happiness. And with every ounce of her strength and love, she'd happily throw away any second shot at happiness, love, hope and friends if it meant he's happy. She really, truly knows he's a good person, an amazingly talented soul, that had his happiness ripped away from him before she ever got to know him. So in the next life, she'd happily give her happiness to him and accept nothing in return... simply because she loves him...
Even if it meant making a deal with the devil, if it meant being the most hated, unlovable soul that didn't deserve it... it's worth it, it really is. I really do wonder if he realized just how much she honest to god treasured him, and if he did, if he thought it was silly, unnecessary or even creepy how deep her love went.
And I honestly believe those were some of her last thoughts, in that lower right hand corner, if not the very last ones. Wishing him nothing but the best and happiness, even at her own expense. To give up her life for his happiness is one thing, but to give up being happy so he can be happy and having to live with that pained, miserable life... is still worth it... to her... those last thoughts, were as honest as she could get... the most pure, most deep, most prayed upon wish she ever did have.
HOLDS UP HANDS, I MEANT TO DRAW MORE BUT I SPENT MORE AND MORE TIME ADDING TO THIS I NEED TO GO
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